Mike and Shelly Hernandez

What is a Grit?

Noboby knows. Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. This is obviously a lie. Nothing as good as a Grit can be made from corn. The most recent research suggests that the myserious Manna that God rained down upon the Isrealites during their time in the Sinai Desert, was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of butter, salt or cheese raining down from the sky and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients. Much research is being done on this subject. If you would like to contribute, please send $19.95 or any major credit card to me: Mike Hernandez. For you donation, you will receive a sincere thank you note.

How Grits are Formed.

Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Southern Georgia and are guarded day and night by armed guards and fierce attack dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question.) Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grit. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grit was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert. After that, the Grit was not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that the Grit was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies and was kept from the public due to it's rarity. The next mention of the Grit was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.) The following are rare pictures showing historical figures and their relationship with the Grit.

     Michelangelo
     Napolean the Great
     Abraham Lincoln
     Albert Einstein

The 10 Commandments of Grits

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon
III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits
V. Thou shalt only use Salt, Butter and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
IX. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
X. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either

How to Cook and Eat Grits

For one serving of Grits:

Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.

That's all there is to cooking grits, now, on to How to eat Grits

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or margarine. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter or margarine.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits, if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter. Next, add your salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1) Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt. See Diagram.

Cheese is optional, however if you wish to add cheese, cut it into 1/4" squares and add immediately before you eat your Grits. You do not want your cheese to melt completely. Now begin eating your grits, you should always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough that they do not run through the tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is Milk or Chocolate Milk (WARNING: Use whole milk only - DO NOT use 2% or, God forbid, Skim Milk.) Your grits should always be eaten in a bowl, never use a plate to eat Grits.

Ways to eat leftover Grits

If you happen to have any leftover grits, spread them into the bottom of a casserole dish, cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatanous mass. The next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2" of cooking oil until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way, this is, of course, unacceptable.